just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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