I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
