Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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