Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
