Joe is yelling at the trees again.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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