The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
God, I missed his penis.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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