1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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