I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
