Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
