You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
