Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
