I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
