According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
