the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
