Non-Jews are for practice
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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