I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
