pop tarts are not kleenex
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
