...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
