A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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