she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
