is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
