Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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