So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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