either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
