I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Success! We fucked roommates!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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