I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
