You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Your cock deserves a montage
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
