hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
