life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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