Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
