Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
