The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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