Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
