my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
