I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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