im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Randomize
