I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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