apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
