have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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