We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
