She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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