I am puke
I just cut my nipple shaving
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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