i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
