if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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