Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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