i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
