and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
