dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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