Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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