I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She announced her abortion via fbk
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
