I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
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